Hen nights (and days)

Two chickens have gone rogue. They’ve turned their backs on the batch, shook a tail feather at the flock, set their combs at a jaunty angle and did the walky-flappy thing away because it’s very difficult to march with any dignity when you’re a chicken. They left chicken-opolis with its safe collection of houses, friends and family, and headed for a life where crime is the only way to survive.

Street life for chickens is rough. Actually, let me rephrase that; Street life for chickens is rough—ly akin to a five star gastronomic adventure. They’re loving it! They’ve never had so much fun. Who’d have thought stealing food could make you so fat and happy? Well maybe there’s a reason for that, and maybe I’ve sussed it out.

It starts each day just after lunchtime when I begin by mucking out the first stable and lay a fresh straw bed before moving onto the next. While I’m in the second stable, they move behind me into the first.

Now I know it’s just two chickens in there scratching about between the straw for wheat, but I honestly wonder if their little legs are bionic the way they flick the bed about. By the time I get to chase them out, the horse’s bed looks like a giant doughnut with a massive hole in the middle.

I go off to fill hay nets feeling like I’m in some out of season panto with a crowd yelling, “They’re behind you!” I know they’re behind me! They’re doing the same to the second stable as they did to the first!

For me it’s annoying, for them it’s an appetiser.

Stables remade and doors securely closed, I move on and feed the sheep. I pour nuts and stand back to watch all the white woolly heads buried in the trough… along with the two chickens. The sheep even make room for them!

But you know what it’s like, you have something to eat and you really want a drink. Water’s okay, but there’s got to be something better. And there is. Milk. Honestly I milk the goat, turn my back and the chickens are in the pale drinking it.

Okay, so appetiser done, main course done, nice drink of fresh warm milk done… right, what’s for pudding?

Pig nuts. In case you’re unaware, pig nuts come in sturdy plastic sacks. Nice big strong bags, just the job. In fact they’re so strong it can be a struggle to open them, unless of course you’re a chicken.

I place the sack on the back of the quad bike and go off to collect the rest of the bits and pieces I need. When I return they are standing on the bag (which for a start if the height of bad manners, who ever heard of walking about on the dinner table?), dipping their little beaks into a hole they’ve made and scoffing.

We’re all aware of the obesity issues in this country, and you could argue that these chickens are on the frontline of that in as much as they themselves are food producers – as egg layers. Shouldn’t they be looking after themselves a little more? Do they really need two starters, a huge main course, a large fattening drink and as much pudding as they can cram?

I want to catch them and put them in prison – a large house with a run known as the Love Shack because that’s where the cockerels go when I want to control who their wife-of-right-now is. I figure if I can keep them in for a week or so, it might break this cycle of crime and slim them down a bit. Only I can’t catch them. They’re at large (very large). Fugitives from justice. It’s like living with a poultry Thelma and Louise.

The good, the bad, and the Alfie

I had left bringing the horses in at night for as long as possible for a couple of reasons, first the field in which they spent their time was quite sheltered and they were happy, and second… second, was Alfie.

But with the wet weather coming in and the high winds it felt the right time to start stabling them at night. I dug out a head collar and made my way to the gate. I could see Alfie at the other end of the field, his rug twisted and untucked, his knees muddy, his mane scruffy and sticking out at odd angles on his head.

“Just William,” I mumbled, “I’ve ended up with an equine Just William.”

He turned – he couldn’t have heard me, there was no way he could have heard me, but he turned as though he had and spotting me galloped over, careful to find the biggest puddle of mud to run through on the way. The mud splashed up everywhere, covering his belly and his legs in thick oozing yuck.

“Oh Alfie,” I said as he dashed up to me and went to rub his head affectionately on my arm but misjudged and put so much effort into it he sent me flying.

Oh Alfie. I slipped the head collar over his nose and stepped back when he got so excited he started bounding up and down on the spot, which is quite a feat for a tinkers pony.

“Calm down, wooo, calm down boy.” I stroked his neck and watched his eyes come back from helter-skelter to nearly normal, and the bounding up and down slowed to a bopping, then a mooching, and finally his front stood still with just the hint of a bum wiggle at the back. We can handle a bum wiggle.

“That’s a boy,” I said, still stoking him, still claming him. Then I opened the gate and lead him through.

The second we made it out of the field he went crazy, ‘…yeah yeah, dad dad, yeah, come on, where are we going? Yeah, come on, wherever it is, let’s go there fast! Wow, I love going… anywhere…’

“William—I mean, Alfie, will you calm down, please.”

This was going to be a nightmare.

We made our way to the stable door with him prancing about like a Spanish stallion.

‘…yeah, woooo, I love jumping about, woooo…’

“Alfie!”

I took a deep breath, and marched him confidently into the stable.

He stopped prancing. He walked in, and stood there. Quiet. Well behaved. With good manors. Nicely.

I looked at him.

He looked back at me.

I scratched my head.

He nibbled some hay.

I tied him to a ring on the wall and undid his outdoor rug, all the time expecting him to explode in such a confined space, but he couldn’t have been better behaved if he was stuffed. I moved around touching and talking to him so he knew were I was all the time, and groomed some of the mud off – to remove it all would have involved walking him through a petrol station carwash. I threw on a fleece indoor rug and buckled it up. Not a murmur.

Early the next morning I went down not knowing what to expect, but he was still calm, still relaxed, standing on a straw bed that hardly looked slept on. I couldn’t work out why my naughty horse had turned nice, other than the fact that he loved being inside and was trying hard to be good – I didn’t even know he was capable!

I swapped rugs, put on a head collar, opened the stable door and the moment he was outside he went, ‘…wooo, we’re out again, yeah, dad, let’s PAR-TY!’

Towards a homemade Christmas

Who wouldn't like a few homemade touches about the place for Christmas? It makes it nice, it makes it cozy and it makes it personal. And, there's nothing quite as personal as a homemade gift.

Sure money's tight right now, but giving a homemade present isn't about saving money, it's about giving something of yourself. Even rich, famous people give homemade gifts: Vic Reeves for instance, half of Reeves and Mortimer, makes bars of homemade soap for his family and friends.

We're in good company.

So here's a couple of ideas that i think are lovely, Homemade Firelighters and Edible Tree Decorations.

First, Homemade Firelighters that when treated each burn with different colours.

Pine cone firelighters

These are really easy to make, but the standard Blue Peter caveat applies: make sure you're a grown-up or have a grown-up around to help.

To start with, you will need:

Dry pine cones

Wax - the old ends of used candles are ideal

Sawdust/wood shavings

Additives to colour the flames (see below)

Method:

Melt the wax very carefully in an old saucepan. You just want it melted, you don't want to cook it or heat it any more than you need so don't put it on the hob and wander off - in fact, if you're at all worried, make up a double boiler with one saucepan inside another and water in between just to be on the safe side.

Dip the bottom half of a dry pine cone in the wax, and then straight into the sawdust so that the sawdust sticks to the wax, and hold in the air to dry.

To make the sawdust burn with different colour flames, you can mix a little sawdust with one of the following (don't be tempted to mix the colourants as they tend to cancel each other out and just burn normally):

For yellow flames - Sodium Chloride (table salt)

For orange flames - Calcium Chloride (bleach powder)

For violet flames - No salt substitute

For green flames - Borax

For white flames - Epsom salts

These are great firelighters, fun to make, romantic to burn and special to receive.

To jazz them up into a present, maybe get a small wicker basket and half fill with pretty dry leaves and put the treated cones on top. Then add a festive ribbon.

Next:

Edible Tree Decorations

For these you will need:

350g plain flour

1tsp bicarbonate soda

1tsp cinnamon and/or sweet mix spices

175g brown sugar

100g butter

1 beaten egg

4tbsp golden sugar

Coloured boiled sweets

Okay, now the method:

Heat the oven to 180 degrees Centigrade. Line 2 baking sheets with grease proof paper. Get a bowl and add the plain flour, to which put in the bicarb of soda and Cinnamon/sweet mix spices. Put the butter in and rub together with your fingers until it becomes like fine breadcrumbs. Next add the egg, syrup and brown sugar and hand mix until it comes together.

Separately, crush some boiled sweets with a rolling pin.

On a floured surface, roll out the dough until it's about as thin as a pound coin. Now to be creative. Cut out shapes, you can cut circles or triangles, but if you're feeling bold, cut out Christmas tree shapes, or stars, anything you fancy. In the centre of them all, cut a circle so that the middle is missing. Then place them on the lined baking tray. In the cut out middles, sprinkle some of the crushed sweets, and maybe make a hole near the top if you want to hand them up later.

Bake for 10-20 minutes until golden brown, then leave to cool.

When cool, thread with ribbon, and away you go, edible Christmas tree decorations!

BBC Radio Devon!

I know what you're thinking, the only time i blog is when it's connected with the Shep and Jo show, and at the moment you're right, but it's only because i'm struggling to get so many things done before December, not least of all finish writing my book.

Well, it's written!!!!!!!!!!!!

All i need to do is spend a couple of weeks polishing it, and it's done *phew!*

Normal blog service will soon be resumed. Thanks for putting up with me.

In the meantime, dad, dad, darrrrrr...

The lovely Shep and Jo have allowed me on their show once more, it was at 3.30 today (here's the link to listen again if you missed it http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p005xcng).

We talked about:

Sloe Gin & Rose Hip Syrup

First, Sloe Gin

Ingredients
1lb Sloes
300g sugar
1 bottle of gin

Sloes are the berries from a hawthorn tree. Traditionally you pick them after the first frost, but actually you can pick them right now and replicate that frost by popping the sloes in the freezer over night.

So you've got your sloes.

Then take the bottle of gin and empty the contents into a bowl or jug. In the empty gin bottle, put the sloes - they should go about two thirds up (one third from the top). Add the sugar, then tip the gin back in right up to the top. Put it into a cupboard and forget about it.

It will be ready for this Christmas, but even better next Christmas!

Decant to drink.

But don't discard the gin soaked sloes!

Because, next, make Sloe cider

On top of the gin infused sloes, poor cider - cheap cider is fine - to the top and leave for a week. Sloe cider is brilliant, you've got to try it!

Again, don't discard the sloes!

The sloes now have been marinated in lovely gin and lovely cider. Take them and sivve them to make a beautiful topping for dinner party ice-cream (dinner party or in front of Strictly on a Saturday night).

Rose Hip Syrup

Rose Hips are in season right now. They're the fruit of the rose; when the bud dies, the fruit flourishes.

Rose Hips are so good for you...

There is more Vitamin C in a couple of Hips than in over twenty oranges!

Make a syrup, but ensure to strain through muslin cloth to remove all the fibres because, as every mischievous boy will know, the fibres are itching powder!

Rose Hip Syrup is good for:

Syrup
Jam
Jelly
Soup
Bread
Wine
Or, Marmalade

Healthy and versatile!

More blogging coming soon...

It's the Shep and Jo time again, on BBC Radio Devon!

We've had a good run of weather in the last week or so, but October is here and sadly things are set to change. As things get colder, we don't tend to feel as good as we might in the summer. So how about we talk over some simple self sufficient homemade soothers for everyday ailments?

Please note: These are not in place of a doctor, and they don't cure, all they do is sooth and hopefully make you feel a little bit better.

For example:

Fatigue: Take ginseng tea or capsules.

Common cold: Drink tea made from elderberry extract and ginger - and never underestimate the soothing effect of a thick chicken soup if you have a cold. Also, add eucalyptus oil and clove oil to your bath.

Water retention (including swollen ankles): Drink dandelion-leaf tea and increase your intake of vegetables that have diuretic properties, such as carrots, onions, cucumbers and leeks.

Sadness: Before going to bed, add some pine needles, willow bark and larch bark (the inner part) to a mug of boiling water. Place it, still steaming, on your dressing table to scent the room while you sleep. Do not drink.

Sore throat: Blackberry tea to sip.

Ingredients can be found in a most heath food shops.

I'm really, really, really close to finishing my book, and when it's written i promise to blog again properly. Honest Injun, no fingers crossed promise.

It's that radio time again!

I'm back on BBC Radio Devon this afternoon at 3.30, and thought it might be fun to talk about making paper. Here's how to do it...

MAKING PAPER AND GREETINGS CARDS
Until the industrialization of the nineteenth century, all paper was handmade one sheet at a time. Paper is actually an ancient Egyptian word derived from papyrus, which was a flat woven sheet made from strips of the papyrus plant, however paper was not invented by the Egyptians, but rather by the Chinese, and to this day some of the most beautiful paper still comes from China.

Making paper at home is all about recycling, taking old newspapers, utility bills (nothing is more satisfying than putting a bill into a blender and blitzing it) and turning them into crisp new sheets ready to be used. In fact, both in the UK and America, around 70% of the material used to make all the paper each year comes from recycling. Paper manufactures collect old newspapers and magazines and subject them to a simple process that can be recreated in any kitchen, though the process is a little soggy – so it’s ideal for children then! But it’s not just wood and recycling that can be used to make paper, and more industrious makers use rags, cotton, even elephant dung, though quite how many people involved in self sufficiency would have an elephant is questionable.

How to make paper
First you need some equipment, most of which is easy to find around the home, the only exception is likely to be a deckle. A deckle is the frame in which the paper is made. You can buy them from craft shops and online, and if you are going to turn this into a small business, then it’s worth the investment. But if you are only going to make a few odd sheets then it’s cheaper to make your own.

To make a deckle, take an old picture frame (boot fairs and recycling centres are ideal for finding old pictures), the inside measurement of which is just a little bigger then the piece of paper you want to create, but smaller than a washing-up bowl. While you are out, the other thing you need to source is some tightly packed mesh the same size as the frame, the ideal is the gauze used in a screen door or the fine mesh for windows on a chicken house to keep the flies out. Take the glass, picture and backing out from the frame and cut the gauze so it fits snugly into the frame and staple or pin it in place. That’s the deckle.

For an even quicker version, get a coat hanger and bend it into a rough square, run a stocking over the top right down to the foot and tie a piece of string at the top where the hook is so the stocking is tight as a drum. This works well as a one off, but is unlikely to last any longer than that.

In addition to this, you will also need a washing-up bowl, lots of scrap paper, letters and bills work best. Avoid shiny magazines and although newspapers work well, the ink does come through so you may need to add a little bleach to your pulp solution. Two tea towels, blender, rolling pin and a clothes iron.

To prepare the paper, either shred and rip the lengths into strips, or tare it into coin size pieces. Half fill the bowl with warm water and soak the ripped up paper for about an hour, then drain through a colander. Take out the blender and half fill it with water, and add a little of the pulped paper, taking care not to add too much in one go as it will just clump. Blend it until it is completely smooth without any lumps, adding more pulp little by little.

Meanwhile, rinse out the washing-up bowl and half fill it again with warm water. Slide in your deckle so it rests on the bottom and add a spray of laundry starch to help stiffen the paper. When the blending of your pulp is complete, pour it into the water and swish it around so it settles evenly and blend some more until you are happy that the amount in the bowl will create a single sheet. Swish the whole lot once more and let it settle (shake the deckle a little if you feel it is still not landing evenly), then carefully lift out the frame and rest it over the bowl to drain. When it has stopped dripping, gently press down with the tips of your fingers to help squeeze out any excess moisture.

Lay a clean tea towel over the deckle and place a plate on top of that, then twist the whole thing over the same way you would turn out a sponge. Remove the deckle and the plate so the tea towel is resting on a flat surface with the sheet of paper in the middle. Lay the other tea towel over the top and with a rolling pin roll the paper sandwich to clear as much water as possible, take the top tea towel away and let the paper dry for a good couple of hours. Don’t let it dry out completely, just until it’s mostly dry, and then iron it with a medium to low heat iron still with the tea towel as a backing. Leave it for twelve hours, and then peel it away from the tea towel. Again leave it for twelve hours, and there you have it, homemade paper.

If you are an incurable romantic and want to use your homemade paper to write a love letter, add a couple of petals or leaves for a girl, straw or herbs for a man, into your pulp at the blending stage after the pulp has been zapped and smooth.

Homemade greeting cards
In the UK alone it is estimated that a billion pounds each year is spent sending cards.
There are masses and masses of cards available, but none of them compare with a handmade card as any parent will testify the first time their little one hands them a card they have made themselves. Sending a homemade card says so much more than one bought from a shop.

Of course the best way would be to attach a sheet of your homemade paper to the front of a card so it sits in the middle and write you message on that.

Taken from my book - The Self Sufficiency Bible - Hundreds of ways to become self sufficient

Also check out our website www.hiddenvalleypigs.co.uk

It won't work!

To everyone who's posted on my blog recently, just to say i've tried and tried and tried to put replies up, but it won't let me!

I thought it was this one particular computer that i favour, so i tried another. And another. None of them will let me.

It keeps chucking me back to sign-in. Stupid thing, i'm already signed in! I sign-in to access the blog in the first place! But i do as i'm asked, and sign-in again, and it takes me back to the publish comment point, and i do, i press the button, and it takes me back to sign-in again! Aaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

All i do is go around and around in circles.

Apologies if you've commented and i've not responded, it's not because i don't want to, it's because this stupid thing won't let me. But i will get it sussed. I will beat the machine. I will overcome the small mindedness of the Google Account that won't let me publish a comment. I will figure out what the hell i'm doing wrong and make it right.

I'm really very grateful for all comments, and i will get back to you as soon as i can.

Rant over.